Lexical Gap No. 63: Ergophobia
May 2025 summary
I’m trying to figure out where May went.
It has simultaneously felt very long and very short, and I think it’s because I’m in a depressive phase of my bipolar disorder. I’ve lived with this diagnosis for over a decade now, and yet it still surprises me every time depression comes upon me. In retrospect, there are signs: I feel unmotivated to do much, going to taekwondo is much harder, and I spend my free time just rewatching BTS content instead of reading or writing or engaging with other forms of media.
But medication and therapy has helped immensely. I’m still able to do what I need to, it’s just harder. It also helps knowing that these things come and go in cycles. Eventually the wheel will turn and I will feel myself again. I’m just impatient.
Nevertheless, there were some bright points in May. Over Memorial Day weekend, Bear and I took the boys to western North Carolina for a doggy vacation, as we called it. We hiked the Blue Ridge Mountains, visited dog friendly breweries, stayed in a refurbished train car on a bison farm, and saw some friends. Life is good, even if my mood isn’t.
In this issue
1. JJ’s magical world
2. Lexical gap
3. This creative life
4. What I’m reading
5. What I’m watching
6. What I’m playing
7. Other things of note
lexical gap: ergophobia 🧩
According to Wikipedia, this is a debilitating condition, but I don’t know, chat, I feel as though as a chronic ADHD slither-outer, I, too, have a fear of work.
this creative life ✨
After a period of — what was in retrospect — mania, May was a bit of a comedown. I’m stalled out on ROPE. I’ve got most of the plot beats and I’ve started zero drafting, but I’m troubled by the persistent sense that I don’t have a point. There are a lot of themes I’m exploring about class and oppression, but I don’t know what I want to say about them. What it all means. I have to trust that what I want to say will become clear with time (and journaling and tarot readings), but I’m in that stage of writing where I’m suddenly doubting…everything.
Thankfully, in May I also got edits back for GUARDIANS 4, as well as sketches for the cover. It will be another year before the series officially comes to a close, but I can’t believe that the story is done. I still have more work to do on it, of course, but the story is finished. I wrote a series. I even think I ended it…well? (My editor and agent thought it was great!) I’m so grateful to Guardians of Dawn for teaching me so much—about how to plot, about my process, and about what I wanted to say. (Unlike ROPE at the moment, I definitely have a Point in Guardians.)
And now, to work. Pushing through my downer mood. Onward!
what i’m reading 📖
The Ministry of Time by Kaliane Bradley. This is a strange little book, but I devoured it in one sitting. There are a lot of interesting themes in here that I wished had some more development; the main character is a biracial Asian woman, and there’s a thread of how she aligns herself to power in order to feel safe, but that never quite gets explored as much as I would have liked. (Honestly, the book is quite short; I felt it could have been longer.) Ultimately, it is a love story with speculative elements with some light thriller motifs, and I was definitely enthralled the entire time.
Our Share of Night by Mariana Enríquez. I loved this. It’s a sprawling novel exploring themes of exploitation, trauma, colonization, and capitalism via occult horror motifs, set during the Dirty War and dictatorship in Argentina. Honestly, I found the occult elements the least interesting part of the book (and it sort of fell apart for me at the end), but definitely recommend this one. (Trigger warnings: gore, genocide, AIDS, graphic depictions of child abuse, rape, it’s dark y’all)
Legendborn by Tracy Deonn. Another book I loved. I went to see Tracy and Adam Silvera when they came to my local indie bookstore and bought all available Legendborn books, thinking the trilogy had been completed. WRONG. THERE WILL BE A FOURTH BOOK. NOW I’M DYING.
what i’m watching 📺
Sinners. Loved this. Chills. The scene with the ancestors brought me to tears. There’s a lot of meaning to be plumbed from this film, but it is also a rip-roaringly great vampire film. I love art that functions on multiple levels like this.
The Apothecary Diaries. I love everything about this anime…except for the romance. I ADORE Maomao, and I like Jinshi as a character, but every moment of their romance falls flat for me.
The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives: Season 2. I’m not really someone who watches reality television, but as the dad’s side of my family is Mormon, I’m always a little nosy about what life is like in Utah. (My dad is not Mormon, and his family isn’t religious, i.e. “Jack Mormons", but I do have extended family in Utah.) Also…the ending???? When is it coming back????
what i’m playing 🎮
I…don’t touch me. This game wrecked me. I think this might be a contender for Game of the Year and I hope it wins all the awards because ugh. This is ostensibly a fantasy RPG reminiscent of Final Fantasy1 but it is also a meditation on loss and grief and letting go. Yet this is not a game without humor or whimsy (ESQUIEEEEEEEEE!!!!! THE MOST FRIEND-SHAPED MARSHMALLOW EVER!), despite the tears. I love art like this — art that has something to say. Not everything needs to have meaning, but when it does, it is so much richer for it. And this came out from an indie studio! We need more games like this! We need more art like this!
other things of note 💾
Saint, Jack. “The Redwashing of Squid Game.” Jack Saint, YouTube, Jan 2025.
Pillar of Garbage. “Better a Pig Than a Fascist.” Pillar of Garbage, YouTube, Apr 2025.
Marx, W. David. “The 21st Century and Empty Popularity.” Culture: An Owner’s Manual, Ghost.io, May 2025.
Marx, W. David. “The Missing Piece in Conversations about ‘Cultural Decline’.” Culture: An Owner’s Manual, Ghost.io, May 2025.
Pillar of Garbage. “The Inherent Stupidity of All Content.” Pillar of Garbage, YouTube, May 2025.
Yours entire,
I saw someone on Reddit refer to it as a JeRPG (since it was made by a French studio) and I died.