Lexical Gap No. 49: Knuckylbonyard
March 2024 summary
Why is it that, despite my best efforts, I’m always trying to make my deadlines at the eleventh hour???? It doesn’t help that for the majority of March, I’d fallen down the rabbit hole of #WhereIsKateGate. I’ve not been on social media for a while, and that’s because I only had spare brain cells for finishing this draft of GUARDIANS 3 and #WhereIsKateGate.
March’s newsletter is going out a bit late for a few reasons: first, I was powering through the first draft of GUARDIANS 3, and second, I was hosting both my parents and my in-laws for Easter. I love both my parents and my in-laws dearly, but I am also an introvert. While I had a blast having my family stay with me, my nervous system was also a complete and utter wreck for a few days following.
You might have noticed (or not) that during this time, I have been all-but-entirely absent from social media, and to be honest, I rather like it this way. It’s amazing how much more space there is in my brain for creativity when I’m not constantly glued to my phone, and believe me, I needed every extra bit of brain space for finishing this draft of GUARDIANS 3. I had a bit of a health snafu at the end of February and the beginning of March, which has thankfully been resolved, but also derailed my writing for a bit. Towards the end, I was powering through so many words a day in order to get back on track that it’s a miracle my brain wasn’t dribbling out my ears.
In this issue
1. JJ’s magical world
2. Lexical gap
3. This creative life
4. What I’m watching
5. Other things of note
lexical gap: knuckylbonyard 🧩
Don't ask me how to pronounce this; like the word colonel before the age of seven, I’ve only ever seen it spelled.
this creative life ✍🏻
The first draft of GUARDIANS 3 is done.
I hate it.
The good news is, I know how to fix it.
Every book teaches me something new. When I was a younger writer, I used to think I would learn something new about craft, but the more books I have under my belt,1 the more I realize that every book teaches me something new about my process.
I don’t think about process much; I’m ADHD—I can’t form habits, let alone think about process. Every time I write I book, it always feels like I’ve thrown myself into the deep end of a pool without knowing how to swim. But that’s not entirely true; I do know how to swim. It’s just that the conditions in the water aren’t always the same.
I think what frustrates me most about my process as a writer is my inability to be structured, organized, linear. I can plan and plan and plan and plan all I want, but the instant I get into the weeds, all plans go awry. In January, I wrote a 10,000 word synopsis of GUARDIANS 3 that I thought was a pretty good blueprint for the book, but in the writing of it, I discovered it was…not. And this is what irritates me most about myself: no matter how much I plan ahead, I simply cannot account for the actuality of writing.
For me, writing a novel is like planning a journey by looking at a two-dimensional map and plotting a course: I know the destination, the path, and the major attractions and signposts I will pass along the way. At the beginning of the journey, I think this is enough to finish a book according to a schedule I have outlined. But during the actual journey, I discover that I have not accounted for the hills and valleys, the road closures that might necessitate detours, unexpected shortcuts, and the fact that certain attractions are much less interesting in person than advertised on paper. Everything takes twice as long as I have planned. I’ve brought the tents and trail mix, but forgot the sleeping bag.
Before I became a professional writer with contracts to fulfill, I would have taken the time to perfect what I’d written before moving on to the next attraction. I would have found outfitters along the way to purchase that sleeping bag, or I would have doubled back and reassessed whether or not a certain pit-stop was worth making. But when a deadline is chasing you down like the tornadoes in Twister, you just don’t have time to stop. You have to keep going and pray you’ll make it, hoping that this course you’ve plotted for yourself doesn’t run into a dead end. Sometimes you skip certain attractions altogether, or spend less time at a stop than intended. Sometimes you take shortcuts through a cornfield and take out a scarecrow or two. Anything to reach that destination and shelter in time.
Traveling with my mother is a funny thing. She’s very Virgo (Virgo rising, Virgo sun), and likes to plan and arrange and follow itineraries. As someone who is terrible with logistics, this makes being her travel companion fantastic most of the time, although there are occasions when I would just like to meander and see where the day takes me.
Writing under contract is like traveling with my mother. I don’t have the luxury of being as spontaneous as I would like, although this isn’t to say that either don’t allow for some flexibility to indulge.
For me, first drafts under contract are just messy. It turns out, I’m bad at embracing mess. I have a perfectionist streak, according to my therapist, even though I hate thinking through details. I spend a lot of time and energy thinking about how what I’m writing isn’t right, and when I figure out what is right, I don’t have time to fix it because goddammit, that tornado is coming and I need to get to shelter NOW.
This time, during the writing of GUARDIANS 3, I kept a running list of things I needed to fix/change alongside the chapters I was drafting according to my synopsis. This is how I ended up with a draft I hated, but knew how to fix. Is this my ideal way of writing? No; I think my ideal way of writing is to take all the time in world to write a perfect first draft. But that simply isn’t feasible, so I have to figure out more and more of my process to help make things easier, not perfect.
Other things I noted about myself during the writing of GUARDIANS 3: the importance of adequate rest. I have previous wrecked my physical and mental health trying to write my other contracted books and this time, I was determined not to let myself descend into burnout. I have a subscription to the Headspace app, which I made liberal use of during the drafting process, especially for reducing anxiety and forcing my brain to rest at night. I did not pull all-nighters, and for the most part, was able to finish my word count for the day before dinner, and I attribute this to meditation. I don’t feel burned out, just tired, and already I can feel the mood to fix and rewrite tickling the back of my brain, although I told myself I was going to give myself at least two weeks off. Read books. Watch movies and TV. Maybe flex my other writing muscles with some essays. (I have a lot of Thoughts™ about literacy, taste, and, of course, AI and the algorithm that I would like to expand for obscure arts.)
Drafting this time around might not have been perfect, but it is getting easier. You know, five books in to this whole contracted author gig. And hopefully it will continue to get easier—but not perfect—as I go on.
what i’m watching 📺
Ghosts (BBC). This recommendation came to me via my work wifey,
, with whom I share near-identical senses of humor.
A delight. Just an utter delight. And the perfect thing to have on in the background while I’m trying to take my mind off the tedium of actually having to write.
Quiet on Set: The Dark Side of Kids TV. This was…harrowing, and not something to have on in the background. Trigger warnings abound for this one.
Due to being in the middle of drafting, I don’t have much else to report on for this month, but hopefully I’ll have some more goodies (and news!) to announce next month!
사랑해,
I swear, I trauma-erase the writing of every book from my brain because every time I start (and finish) a new one, it’s like I’ve never done it before.