60% is good enough
Burnout and trying to maintain mental equilibrium
Of my two dogs, I joke that Pollux has ADHD.
It’s funny when you have littermates.1 It’s funny how they reveal their differing doggie personalities to you as they age, proving that temperament is as much nature as it is nurture. Pollux, being an Aussie shepherd/blue heeler mix, is the sort of good boi who needs a job, or something that requires a lot of focus because he really only has two speeds: 120% and zonked. In that regard, he is truly my dog, because I also have two modes: hyperfocus and braindead zombie.
I am currently in braindead zombie mode.
I have mixed feelings about ADHD/neurodivergent TikTok, but I saw one once where a therapist explained that ADHD children don’t really “fall asleep” so much as they just pass out. Whether or not this borne out of good science or pulled from anecdotes, I don’t know, but it feels true. When I am on, I am gunning at 120% because trying my best means pushing so hard I end up stalling my engine. When I am off, I am dead to the world.
I feel dead to the world.
But not in a depressed way. Earlier this year, I was struggling with finding the right medication and dosage for my bipolar disorder, and I think we’ve finally hit on the right combination. Mood-wise, I feel more stable than I have been in years, and that’s because I have a good therapist, a good psych, and also good health insurance.2 However, managing and living with ADHD ever since I got my diagnosis last year has been a different journey altogether.
Reading other author newsletters or browsing their social media sometimes leaves me in a state of envy. Not for the glamorous lives they are living, nor their perceived success I am witnessing, but the fact that they appear to be productive on a consistent basis. Now, I know that social media is but a sliver of what is truly going on beyond the surface, but it often feels like that the rest of the world has their shit together while I am living in a state of constant mess. I pushed myself hard all year on GUARDIANS 2 (while promoting Zhara, no less!) and I’m incredibly proud of the work I’ve done, but I also feel that the pace I’ve set is simply unsustainable.
And it’s because I can’t seem to work consistently.
Like Pollux, I am all or nothing. I’m either in a state of panic over an impending deadline, or dead to the world. I look my plans for drafting GUARDIANS 3 and know that no matter how many mini deadlines or tasks I set for myself, creativity sits dormant until ignited by adrenaline. At this point in the year, I’m at a bit of a lull in terms of demands on my time and energy, so I know it’s the perfect time to start drafting book 3.
And yet.
And yet.
I feel so burned out.
Something my therapist and I have been working on recently has been giving 60% in everything I do.
It makes sense; it’s like pacing myself during a marathon. I run my entire life in sprints, and while that works in the short term, sooner rather than later, I will run out of fuel. The goal is longevity, not being first. I know that, but living it is something else. I’m bad at time—time management, telling time, sensing how much time has passed—because my internal clock doesn’t run according to any sort of logic. It’s like my dog Pollux again. The first ten minutes of every walk I take him on is a constant struggle; he wants to run and sniff everything so he pulls and pulls and pulls and pulls. If I don’t pace him properly, he’ll drag me all over the neighborhood sniffing absolutely everything in sight until he gets so overstimulated he shuts down.
I am also easily overwhelmed.
My other dog, Castor, has anxiety. We’re working on it with a trainer, but my poor boi just vibrates on another frequency whenever we’re out in public. Like me, we’ve tried several different combinations of medications, and I think we’ve finally figured out something that can help regulate him.3 Something I’ve learned about dogs since getting the boys is that they have to learn to regulate their nervous systems, just like humans. I’m someone who’s stimulated by novelty, but like Castor, I too, have difficulty regulating my nervous system. Like Pollux, I just want to go and go and go and go until I’m so overstimulated I need to sleep for three days to recover.
I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread.
—J. R. R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring
I know I’m in a recovery period, and that creativity will return. Even this morning, several different first lines for GUARDIANS 3 floated through my head while I was taking the boys for their morning walk. But I supposed I’m frustrated that I can’t force it. Writing feels like pulling teeth right now, which is probably a sign that I still need to give it more time. And yet, and I can’t help but feel the discomfort and anxiety that I need to be consistent pressing down on my neck. To get back to work instead of recuperating. To let my brain rest and become a sponge, absorbing the unseen and subconscious inspiration needed to start writing again.
So I’ve started trying something different. 60% is good enough. 60% of my effort today is good enough.
The other 40% can be used to heal.
DO NOT RECOMMEND!! No matter how tempting getting two puppies from the same litter might be, unless you have a lot of time, money, and emotional bandwidth, I absolutely DO NOT RECOMMEND!!!!
It’s a sad indictment of our current healthcare system that good insurance is just as important as the first two.
Along with a CBD treat. If there were any argument to be made for the use of medical marijuana for anxiety, one only need to see the effect the treats have on my dog, wow.