Lexical Gap No. 54: Vellichor
August 2024 summary
And just like that, summer is gone.
Apologies for the late monthly wrap-up, but I’m in—as my therapist has dubbed it—a fallow period. I am a simmering pot of flavors and ingredients slowly melding into stew. I am watching the slightest bubbles rise from the bottom of a pot as you wait for water to boil. I am the droplets of moisture coalescing into dew. It was a rather intense first half of 2024 for me creatively, and I am currently in the process of replenishing the nutrients in my dried out, desiccated soul.
A lot of that has involved me taking care of myself. Physically. It’s been a long and bumpy road with both my bipolar disorder and my ADHD, but for the first time in a long time, I feel mentally well. Regulated. Balanced. Harmonious. I’m really proud of the progress I’ve made on that front, but am only now realizing that I might have neglected this physical vessel of mine during the process. At the beginning of the year, I was starting to develop hypertension and cholesterol issues from a combination of weight gain, PCOS, and bipolar medications—the first time I’d ever had a less than “good” result in a physical. I’m thirty-nine years old and I’m realizing now that in order to live well into the future, I should be taking care of the body I have.
And so I have. Slowly but surely shedding weight, becoming more diligent with sunscreen and skincare, understanding now as I’ve gotten wiser that “self care” is more than pleasurable indulgence, it is a gentle maintenance of health. I’ve become more mindful, even not necessarily more demure. I struggle to hit my protein goals, I take long mental health walks with Castor and Pollux, I go to taekwondo every day, I drink tons of water, and I try my best to get good quality sleep. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. It used to feel silly to devote so much brain space to my physical well-being, but I no longer have the privilege of youth to be so thoughtless about my vitality.
It’s funny to feel both old and not old at once. I look in the mirror and see no real signs of aging yet—taut skin, no wrinkles, (Asian don’t raisin, as they say) a few gray hairs—but I feel the specter of the old age hovering around the edges, waiting to descend. At taekwondo, I am on average twice as old as the median age student, but my mobility is still there. I perform my kicks and punches without aches and pains; I jump-spin, I do the splits, I cartwheel, I handstand, I break boards, I spar, I play.
“You don’t seem old,” a teenager says to me. “You move really well for an old person.”
And I smile.
I think about what old used to mean when I was their age. When I was the age of my intended readers. I think I used to think it meant boring. Routines, rituals, work, relaxation. Where was the excitement? The thrill? The adventure? Now that I’m old, I know that I’m boring, but the difference is now I find joy in it. I am finding joy in my fallow period, for however long it lasts.
In this issue
1. JJ’s magical world
2. Lexical gap
3. Events and appearances
4. This creative life
5. What I’m reading
6. What I’m watching
7. Other things of note
lexical gap: vellichor 🧩
If there’s one thing I miss about living in a big city, it’s being able to meander and discover secondhand bookshops, browse the stacks, and bring home a little piece of someone else’s history. I have to drive now to get wherever I need to go, which means there are few opportunities to get lost. A pity.
events and appearances 📅
I will be moderating this amazing panel full of amazing authors at the Bookmarks Festival in Winston-Salem, NC on Saturday, September 28! I will also be signing copies of my books afterwards, so hope to see some of you there!
this creative life ✍🏻
Perhaps it’s because I’m in my fallow period, or perhaps it’s because I no longer get joy from social media, but I’ve found myself retreating further and further from online spaces. Perhaps that will change as the wheel turns. Perhaps not. We shall see.
what i’m reading 📖
Heir by Sabaa Tahir. Oh…y’all are in a treat with this one. Muahahahahahahaha.
what i’m watching 📺
Umbrella Academy: Season 4. Well, this was…not good. And yet. And yet. I do love this little dysfunctional family dearly, and despite the fact that neither the writing nor the story was worthy of them, I loved spending time with these characters. In many ways, I consumed this final season the way I sometimes read fanfic: sure, it may not be GREAT, but the pleasure of being with characters I love in whatever capacity is delightful in its own way. I love that this show, at its heart, isn’t about the powers or the plot, but about the bonds siblings have with each other. What can I say? If you stick a found family in front of me, I’m seated, no matter how terrible it is.
other things of note 💾
Okungbowa, Suyi Davies, “Against Performance.” Suyi Davies Okungbowa. Sep 2024.
Bernstein, Matt, “Chappell Roan’s War on Fame.” matt bernstein, YouTube. Sep 2024.
Do not disturb, tiny grass is dreaming,
