“How are things?” my therapist asked in our first session together since my trip to Japan at the beginning of the month. “Did you finish your book? How was your vacation?”
“Good,” I said. And then I paused. “I think I’m depressed.”
I’ve been living with a bipolar diagnosis since high school, but it’s only in the past five years or so that I’ve started to understand how my moods forms the bedrock, the foundation, of how I live. I mentioned last month that I had zero-drafted GUARDIANS 2 in a manic period, so it follows that the pendulum has swung in the opposite direction.
I’m tired.
“If mania feels like coasting on a bike downhill,” I said to my therapist, “then depression is biking uphill. Like...I’m doing it, but now I’m fighting gravity in addition to moving forward.”
The longer I live with bipolar disorder, the more I understand how depression affects me. It’s not that I’m “sad” or that my mood is “low,” it’s just that everything takes so much more effort than it should. Washing the dishes. Taking a shower. Playing with my dogs. Remembering to send out a finished version of this newsletter.
Anyway, all that to say: I’m good. I really am.
I’m just tired.
In this issue:
Personal
Lexical Gap: 物の哀れ
Writing updates
The Morning Realms Dispatch
Stuff you might have missed
What I’m watching
What I’m listening to
Other things of note
🧩 lexical gap: 物の哀れ
物の哀れ (mono no aware), ”the pathos of things.” “things” and “wistfulness.” Often translated as “acknowledging the beauty in transience.”
✍🏻 writing updates
I turned in a trash first draft of GUARDIANS 2 to my editor, but despite the fact that it was a hot mess that I am STILL trying to fix, I feel good about the story.
🌞 the morning realms dispatch
I am sitting on a TROVE of news for Zhara that I can’t share just yet, BUT! I have some news I can share.
other things 🔥
The Morning Realms Dispatch No. 7: Avatar: The Last Airbender
The Guardians Gazette No. 4: Appreciation, appropriation, and gatekeeping, or What we borrow, what we steal, what we pay homage to, and boundaries. For my 절친 only.
✨ stuff you might have missed
Negative capability: Rest, creativity, depression, freedom. For my 절친 only.
📺 what i’m watching
Almost every single thing I watched this month was on the plane back from Japan, with the exception of Korea No. 1. Now that most of the signing (that I still can’t reveal!) is out of the way, I apparently don’t watch anything.
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. My favorite of the original trilogy.
Indiana Jones and Raiders of the Lost Ark. Also enjoyable. Parts don’t quite hold up well, but still! A fun time!
The Banshees of Inisherin. I have...thoughts. Maybe I’ll reserve these for another essay, but let’s just say that I loved the first two-thirds of the film, but the last act took a turn toward allegory that RUINED EVERYTHING.
Three Thousand Years of Longing. Visually stunning fairy tale. I think if you’re the sort of person who liked Terrence Malick’s Tree of Life or Tarsem Singh’s The Fall, but wanted something less confusing (Tree of Life) and more cohesive (The Fall), then you’ll enjoy this.
Korea No. 1. This is a show on Netflix about three entertainment personalities learning more and participating in traditional Korean crafts and activities and has a sort of Jeremy Clarkson-era Top Gear vibe.1 I really liked it and hope they make another season!
🎧 what i’m listening to
The first studio album from Agust D (a.k.a Suga of BTS) is, as expected, phenomenal. As much as I miss seeing all seven members together, I am enjoying their solo output. I love delving into each members individual voice as an artist — Hobi’s ambition and aspirations, Namjoon’s philosophical introspection, Jimin’s chameleon image, and Yoongi’s raw vulnerability.
Chapter 2 of BTS has been great so far, except for missing the members. But then again, no one misses BTS more than BTS, as the boys never fail to remind us.
💾 other things of note
Brinkley, Nicole. “BookTok is dead. Long live BookTok.” Misshelved #12, Tinyletter.
Kay, Pat. “I Posted Trendy Instagram Reels for 30 Days.” Pat Kay, YouTube.
Somerton, James. “How to Stop Caring and Learn to Love Spoilers.” James Somerton, YouTube.
Until the wheel turns again.
Yes, I am aware how much of a dick Clarkson is. Does that stop me from rewatching his version of Top Gear and also The Grand Tour on Amazon? Alas...no.