If all goes well, as youāre reading this, Bear and I will be on a plane to Japan.
If all doesnāt go well, then...
...I guess my anxiety dreams about forgetting my passport at home have come true.
Anyway, March was...a lot. After a (what was now in hindsight) manic February, I fell headlong into a depressive phase. Iāve been bipolar my entire life, youād think Iād get better at recognizing my moods, but the problem is that mania feels so good I donāt realize itās mania until Iām in the middle of depression and go, Oh yeah...
This time around, I can feel the effects of medication softening the crash. Lithium was a bit of a game-changer for me, especially when my psychiatrist told me that bipolar depression often doesnāt respond to anti-depressants in the same way as other types of depression.
Despite that, Iām still somewhat irritated that Iāve crashed after my manic high. I suppose I ought to be glad I can feel irritated as opposed to nothing, but the effort it takes to feel anything, to be present instead of disassociating, to live fully instead of by rote is exhausting.
Also, my brain is leaking out my ears.
The other problem with depression is trying to prioritize my spoons, as it were, and I had far more bowls this month than I had spoons. (This metaphor is running away from me.) In addition to revising GUARDIANS 2, I had to plan for this trip to Japan, I had to handle some issues with the dorgs (we think Pollux has anxiety, poor bb), I had to finish a large project for ZHARA (that I still canāt talk about yet!), and...I think I did everything poorly. Prioritizing with ADHD is hard at the best of time, but when youāre playing on nightmare mode because of bipolar depression...well. Yeah. Things are bound to slip through the cracks. (Especially when there was a mix-up with your meds, why world, why.)
Anyway, all this adds up to feeling like I failed March, somehow. Which is silly, I know. And not exactly the mindset you want to have going into a long-planned international trip. The struggle to be present remains.
In this issue:
Personal
Lexical Gap: Mediocrist
Writing updates
The Morning Realms Dispatch
Stuff you might have missed
What Iām reading
What Iām watching
Other things of note
š§© lexical gap: mediocrist
Noun. A person of no outstanding distinction.
Well, ouch.
āš» writing updates
I had such a great time zero-drafting GUARDIANS 2 that I knew I would have to pay for it later. š The problem with kicking the can down the road is that you eventually have to pick up the can and recycle it responsibly, and being responsible sucks, let me tell you. I left out everything that I found tedious in the zero draft ā action and description ā so I had to go back and fill all that in and hated (almost) every single moment of it. The depression didnāt help either. š
Still, Iām really proud of GUARDIANS 2. I feel good about it in a way I havenāt felt good about writing in a long time. I rediscovered joy with Zhara, but I think I rediscovered fun with [name redacted].
š the morning realms dispatch
LOTS OF EXCITING ZHARA STUFF IS HAPPENING THAT I CANāT TELL ANYONE ABOUT YET.
The Morning Realms Dispatch no. 6: Cinderella, or the power of hope and persevering
The Guardians Gazette no. 3: Unlikeable girls, or a girl worth fighting for. For my ģ ģ¹ only.
āØ stuff you might have missed
Not a lot happening this month because of depression and also deadline brain.
Negative capability: tedium, stress, determination, hustle. For my ģ ģ¹ only.
š what iām reading
Stars and Smoke by Marie Lu. A DELIGHT.
House of Hollow by Krystal Sutherland. Creepy gothic in exactly the way I like.
šŗ what iām watching
I finally finished signing all the things and my wrist may never recover! Iām so honored to develop RSI in the name of promotion! (Iām actually in earnest here.)
The Mandalorian: Season 3. Iām not sure what I feel about this season tbh. The charm of the first was the small stakes unlikely-dad-plus-baby serial western, and the emotional impact of the second was the exploration of diaspora and orthodoxy. I have no idea where this season is going, but itās starting to blur together with the other Star Wars shows post-Disney+ and...Iām not sure I like it.
Shadow and Bone: Season 2. Call me a heretic, but I kind of love the changes made to the source material. Lewis Tan is such a charming Tolya.
Cunk on Earth. Iāve finally discovered the source of the TikTok sound, āWhich was more culturally significant: the Renaissance or Single Ladies by BeyoncĆ©?ā1 This is exactly my sort of humor.
Guillermo Del Toroās Cabinet of Curiosities. This is an anthology show, and as with all anthology shows, it is hit and miss.
š§ what iām listening to
I saw a tweet somewhere that said while this hiatus might be a break for BTS, itās not for ARMY and oh god, I feel that in the depths of my purple-blooded soul. No sooner did Yoongi announce an Agust D tour (that I canāt make *sob*) that Hobi dropped pre-enlistment collab with J. Cole. And almost immediately after that, Jimin dropped his first solo album, FACE.
I love it, of course. A solid pop album.
Itās also not at all what I expected from him. (Rapping????)
Thatās the thing about being ARMY tbh. I never know what to expect from the boys, and yet my expectations are consistently defied anyway.
We are 3 for 7. I canāt wait to see what the other members have up their sleeves.
š¾ other things of note
āWhy Most Street Photography Today Looks The Same,ā Holden, George. George Holden, YouTube.
āNetwork: Thoughts on Being Mad as Hell,ā Kallgren, Kyle. Brows Held High, YouTube.
āThe age of average,ā Murrell, Alex. Alex Murrell. via
Six months until ZHARAās release! I look forward to being able to talk more about the book in detail when I come back. Hopefully Iāll come back refreshed. Or at least out of bipolar depression.
ķģ“ķ !
Even more hilarious now with the release of BeyoncĆ©ās Renaissance album.